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REPORT: UT Regents Still Missing After Meeting With Nick Saban

AUSTIN — Disconcerting reports are emerging that a current and former UT regent are still missing following a secret meeting held with Alabama head coach Nick Saban in February. A source inside the Austin police department has said that the only lead they have in the case is a phone message left by one of the regents in a hauntingly distorted voice saying, “BEELZEBUB IS HE! THE DARK PRINCE HAS RISEN TO RECLAIM THE SOULS OF HUMA…” at which point the message cut off.

Saban had been rumored to be speaking with Texas officials about a possible move to the school, but few details have emerged in regards to the progress of the talks. The source within the APD has indicated that law enforcement will speak to all leads, except for Nick Saban, who terrifies them.